Part 1: Trauma-inducing parenting

When I had my son, I was bombarded with advice:

• Let him cry, don’t let him cry.
• Work around his naps, let his naps work around you.
• Feed him what he’ll eat, feed him what you eat.

And, in trying my best to create the “perfect” child (because of my own trauma), I inadvertently caused some sort of trauma in his life.

Because, as parents, we all do. No matter how “good” our intentions, we always fall short. How?

Our children ask us every day:

• Do you love me?
• Do you accept me just as I am?
• Am I enough for you?

And how we choose to parent, answers those questions.

For instance, say a six-year-old cries out after hitting his head on the playground railing or throws a tantrum when a friend isn’t sharing or begs to sleep with the light on. If we consistently respond with our own trauma strategies – “you’re fine, not now, deal with it, stop it” – we inadvertently tell that child over time:

• This part of you makes me uncomfortable.
• I don’t accept this part of you.
• This part of you is bad and you have to change it.

And the child learns:

• Something is wrong with me.
• I am not loved.
• I won’t share this part of me anymore.

If a child hears these messages long enough through our parenting, he will eventually stop asking. Because he’s come to believe the answer is no:

• No, I don’t love you.
• No, I don’t accept you.
• No, you are not enough.

And it’s these messages he will carry into adulthood as trauma.