Part 4: Trauma-inducing parenting

When I was a college freshman, a few dorm girls became annoyed with my friend group – claiming we acted “so perfect.” Finding it funny, my friends decided to make and wear T-shirts proclaiming their accusation, which simply read “I’m perfect, what are you?”

Truth be told, no one is perfect or dons any likeness to perfection. Which is why, even when it comes to parenting, even with the best intentions, even with the goal in mind, we slip up.

We might be establishing secure attachment with a child one minute and then say hurtful, spirit-breaking things the next. So, how can we still move forward despite the mistakes?

In mental health, we call the breaking of attachment “rupture.” The bond is severed. The lifeline cut. This can happen with words or actions or events.

The trick to fixing the rupture is called “repair.” This usually happens in steps:

1. Acknowledge and apologize for your role in the rupture.
2. Validate the child’s feelings for your actions.
3. Explain what you will do different next time.
4. Ask if there is anything you can do to help the child “feel better.” (I give hugs.)

Yes, it may feel anti-authoritative to humble yourself toward a child, especially if you grew up in a “respect your elders” environment. However, we are letting the child feel seen, heard, cared for and important when we acknowledge his pain from our behavior.

What’s more, we are also demonstrating the healing power of repair we want him to exhibit some day to others.