Part 3: Trauma-inducing parenting

In an argument over screen time one afternoon, my son tried to convince me he NEEDED to use his computer. But I wasn’t listening. I talked over him. I shamed. I shook my head. This went on for 10 minutes until he clenched his fists, leaned in and yelled, “Stop interrupting me!”

At first I was taken aback.
How dare he talk to me that way.
How dare he talk when I’m talking.
How dare he challenge authority.

But he was right. I wasn’t modeling what I wanted to instill. And I was humbled.

It’s hard to admit we when we’re wrong, especially when it comes to our child. It’s even harder to admit we’ve hurt him to the point of affecting his behavior and self-worth.

But there is hope.

We can heal him. We can undo the tangled trauma responses he’s developed from our parenting.

And what’s more, we can do it with just. one. step.

Establish secure attachment with the child. That’s it!

Secure attachment is creating a safe and understanding bond with a child (at any age). By nurturing the space between us, the child learns he is unconditionally loved and is safe to be his messy, emotional, quirky self. Over time, he begins to love himself and the world around him.

We can establish secure attachment numerous ways. Here are few:

• Anticipate a child’s basic need for comfort (ie: after a scary dream, after a trip or fall)
• Actively listen, using eye contact and touch where appropriate
• Be non-judgmental when a child shares his feelings or observations
• Ask questions, be curious about what interests them
• Invite them to work/play alongside you
• Celebrate their efforts
• Offer genuine empathy

The key is to make the child feel seen, heard, cared for and important.