Part 2: Trauma-inducing parenting

One of my former friends was diagnosed with ADD as a child. Her whole young adult life was medication and living up to the label of her brain “not working like it should.” She used her diagnosis to explain missing deadlines, missing plans or missing conversations.

As I chatted with her one day, I asked if it was possible she never had ADD and it was just a series of responses to something that happened in her childhood. She divulged that her older sister left for college the year before she was diagnosed, and she never talked about how hard it was to be the only child in the house. To protect herself from feeling sad, she disassociated and distracted herself.

Her brain was in fact working EXACTLY like it should have to keep her safe. Before we label symptoms of trauma as malfunctions of the brain, it’s important to take a look at what a child’s behavior tells us.

If a child feels out of control, he may do the following to gain power:

• Bully others
• Boss others around
• Have explosive or rage tantrums
• Refuse to share

If a child feels unheard, he might do the following to accept he is not worthy of someone listening:

• Stop sharing important information
• Pout or hide

Similarly, if a child feels unheard, he might do the following to demand someone hears him:

• Overly showy/brags
• Yell or shout

If a child feels unloved, he may do the following to earn approval:

• Be overly obedient
• No sense of autonomy – will always go with the flow
• Won’t make decisions
• Sensitive to everyone else’s feelings before their own

While a child’s behavior can be a natural part of their development and something they outgrow, when it becomes innate, it doesn’t hurt to take a closer look at the “why” behind the “what.”